i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
