So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
