the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
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If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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