but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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