I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
