Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
