Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
