I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
