booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
