apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
