My first STD was from a foam party
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
