This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
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So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
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Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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