I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
