So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
