I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
