after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
