Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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