So drunk its hurt
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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