matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
