We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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