It's like God shit irony all over that family
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
