Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
