he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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