My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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