I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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