oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
