I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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