When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
