Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
