Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
