My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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