the condom got lost in my hair
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
