I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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