I accidentally burped into my bong.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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