phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
