This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
