It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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