yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize