I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
