I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
