i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
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