you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she told me i tasted like america
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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