I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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