Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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