id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
