She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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