Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
