My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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