Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
