i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
