I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
