So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
