Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
