The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The ass gains better be worth it
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