the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
