how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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