im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
