shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
