When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
