oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
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