why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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