I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
